Potato (mrsp0tat0head) wrote,

Junk..... sorry i just need to let go of some things...

I finially got done with my drafting homework, eh. Talked with my mom, started out nice, ended not so nice. Why is it she has to constantly remind me of the things that are not perfect in my life. She says she is trying to help, bull shit. Like I don't worry about the hundreds of dollars I owe for school, everday. Then she says I don't work, which is bull because I work every Saturday at the Flower Shop and Monday thru Friday at the Theatre, and when we have days off at the Theatre I am Still getting paid. And hey even when I have a day off, like today I still go to the flower shop and work. It just frustrates me, I mean when the money I owe for school could be paid if my parents just gave me the money they both owe me, maybe I could be saving money to pay for other things, like maybe a lunch at school. Gosh don't lecture me on the problems I have, I know I have them. It's just me here. Trying to do good in school and pay for things and get by. What happened to having fun. I never wanted to grow up. I never wanted to leave high school, and now im almost done with my sophomore year of college. But I guess that doesn't matter, that I am actaully going to school, and working, and not getting in trouble. You can still yell at me because I don't do anything around the house or for you. Like when I leave a bowl on the counter instead of putting it in the dishwasher, Im sorry I didn't even think about it. But it is like the end of the world, and I and horrible for it right? Im home just as much as you but I am expected to do more? If people didn't owe me money, maybe I would be able to not live at home, and be living in the apartment that was offered to me this year? Sometimes it feels as if I will never leave here, I mean yeah I have it good, I don't pay house bills and all that junk, but it has gotten to the point of i just dont want to hear anyone complain anymore. I want to be able to go to school and work, come home do my homework and just relax, not get yelled at because I didn't take the garbage out, or I didn't wash the dishes. It is getting old. Maybe then I would feel like i was going somewhere, not like I was left behind and everyone has moved on and grown up. I hate that feeling, and well its how I feel. Why haven't I moved on, why don't I do other things, go other places. I feel out of it either way I look at it. At home, my friends have moved on, they have other friends they have other lives they do other things. At school, they all live down there so they get to see each other much more and I have to commute so it is hard to hang out and do things. I am really just ranting and I know life is not fair. I know I could have it much harder, but this right here right now is hard on me and I am just venting. Sometimes I wish I didn't keep everything in and I could just say it because there is more I could vent about but I can't. So I won't.....What did I do? Is there something wrong? Where did it go wrong, what exactly went wrong with everything? Did it go wrong? Gosh these are questions I ask all the time in rekation to alot of things and I just don't know. I mean I don't regret anyhting I have done, should I do more? Did I not do enough. I think it all comes back to the word CHANGE, that stupid word that I really have a problem with. I think we all have problems with change and well what can we do but deal, try and make the best of it and keep going, but am I the only one who noticed the change? Am I the only one who cares about the change? Why has everyone moved on but I am still sitting here questioning things. Why, Why can't I getover it. Maybe no one else really cared and they are fine where they are and I am just well here. nowhere. Lost. Confused. Tired.......
Why do I care so much, why do I let myself care so much about everyone and everything to the point where I can't let it go, this past week and weekend I have been asking that alot and well it is just frustrating........

the rest i'll just lock up and hide away.......
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