On a worse note, things are falling apart. I want to hold them together. I do not want to see anymore change I m so fucking sick of everyone and everything changing. I am sick of getting upset and crying and always thinking about it. What can I do. I am only one person. Against a group I am nothing. I am too weak, not too weak I just care to much. I care/cared to much about everyone and they all stoped caring. It hurts I am sick of it. But still it's all I think about. What can I do, what can I say, Who the fuck can I talk to anymore. I need a break and I am getting it even though it is coming during the worst hell weeks of the year. The musical, at least I get to stay at a house by myself. A break. It really confuses me when I am being told I am like a mediator, i help solve problems. Why can't I solve this one? Why do I not know what to say. Why do I just fall apart when I think about it. It just hurts so more, more than I ever thought it would. but than I never thought it would come this far. Can I even handle being there. heck i cant even think about it for a while without getting upset. Caring to much. I am sick of caring but i cant stop. I still think about you and you and you. And why? Do you even think about me? The good times? maybe they weren't the good times for you, you were just holding out untill someone better came along. Stupid me for caring right. Stupid me for letting you in. Helping you. Caring about you. Wanting to spend time with you. Giving you rides. Letting you sleep in my house. Letting you sleep in my bed. Spending money on you. Waisting my gas on you. ALL OF YOU! Stupid Me for not being able to let go of the past and ralize what once was can never be again because that was the past. There will never be the fun, the absurdness, the laughs, the fights, the groups. That was then this is now. I let you in, how come you never let me in. Was it all a lie. I should be tough and never let anyone, obviously that works. It worked for you and you. There is nothing I can do except let it all build up inside untill I can't take it anymore and I am holding back tears when the littlest bad thing happens. Like overdrawing your account but quite a few dollars and then everything else that has been going wrong just flows out and there is no stopping it and you need to let things out but there is no one there, they all left, or maybe you drew them off, forced them away, or maybe they left because you were not enough, you were not good enough, you were not like them, you were not one of them, but how the hell do they know because did they ever really take time enough to look and you and get to know you and know the truth, or did they just skim the edges look at the outside and make their decisions like most do and just move on. Well now they are just to busy they have lives, they have things to do, better people to see, better friends than i could ever be. Just better people, better things, better lives. Better days. Does it ever get better than this? when? How? How much longer do I have to wait, what do I have to do. Do I have to give in, do I have to change, do i have to do things I do not want to do. What did I do wrong? Did I do somthing wrong, or maybe I said somethings. If you wanted me to be there why did you say something. I never felt needed but then I hear that I was needed, why couldnt you say so? Why do you have to follow the crowd, do what others do? Listen to what others say. Why are you afraid to say what you think in front of the others. You should not be afraid to be yourself around people who are suposed to be your friends, people who are supposed to care about you. But I think I have the whole meaning of friend wrong.
What is a friend? Were you ever a friend? Did you ever care? I guess I put too much importance on the word. Is there such a thing as forever. I am not sure it can last that long. But maybe i don't even know what the word truely means, i don't even know the truth behind it all. It is all lies and secrets and I dont even know.
I should ask you and you and well all of you, but I would not even know what to say, what to ask. What would I do, wold you even listen. You would probbly laugh, or not talk, or not even answer. Or worse not even care.
Why do I care so much.
When can I just let it all go.
When will all the memories fade into the distance like when I was 5, I can't hold on to all this anymore
it is to heavy.